Going it alone

Christmas is just a memory, the snow has long since gone and New Year's resolutions have already been put to the test. But fear not, despite mischievous temptation from unscrupulous relatives, we weathered the festive season with grit and determination.

But on a more disappointing front, my appeal to the crisp manufacturers has been an unmitigated disaster. I wasn't expecting much from the multinational food and drink conglomerates, but I thought a few of the smaller, independent companies might see the appeal and put themselves forward as the official Crispageddon supplier. But no. Nothing.

Bunch of arrogant, good-for-nothing...spudcookers! You can take your foil packets, your all-natural ingredients and no artificial preservatives and shove it! After everything I've done for you over the years, this is how I'm repaid? Well, I don't need you. I don't need anyone! I can make my own Crispageddon crisps. That's right, none of you are going to make a single penny from the biggest consumption of crisps since the little-known Frome Crispacide of 1986, when over 50 people in the Somerset town experienced a sudden bout of collective insanity and gorged themselves to death.

So now I'm on the hunt for the best homemade crisp recipes. Maximum flavour, maximum crunch. I have just over seven months to develop and perfect a rival crisp to take on the established might of the nation's snack producers. Of course, that will be especially tricky since I won't be able to test them myself, but maybe I can find some eager recruits. Perhaps Barry will be able to offer some constructive feedback. After all, who better to judge a crisp than a crisp? Or would that be classed as crisp cannibalism? I guess I should read up on potato ethics before I start experimenting.